10 Villains of the Great American Beer Festival (or any beer festival, really)

Dr. B and I are sitting at home, reflecting on many years of attending the Great American Beer Festival, excitedly awaiting our opportunity to get our press passes, and attend the festival this year. We started thinking of all of the characters we have met over the years, both good and bad, heroes and villains of the festival. Here are some of our favorite villains (followed by our heroes in another post). Hope to see you at GABF this year!

*DISCLAIMER: Please do not read this if you lost your sense of humor.*

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The “Brewer Stalker”

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We all know this guy/gal… He/she looked up photos of his/her favorite brewer before the festival and is on a hunt to find him/her. This person will spend the ENTIRE festival searching for that special brewer. Stand back and watch the show when the brewer is found! It is usually awkward and filled with drunken hugs (if he/she can get across the table to the brewer), but most always ends well enough. This person is seriously determined, but generally harmless. If you have to walk around the fest with this person, you might want to develop a side agenda or a game… it’s going to be a long night!

The “Table Squatter”

Squatter

There is nothing more annoying to eager beer enthusiasts waiting in a long line than to be blocked by those who make their way to the front and ask “What do you have?”. Wait, what? Did you even read the signs posted all around the booth announcing the choices? Apparently not. Not only do you get the run-down from the very attentive (but annoyed) volunteer pourers, but you non-transient folk go even further by standing at the front, drinking your sample, and asking for another. Do us all a favor, move to the side and let others partake as you ask your random questions about style and ABV or get back in line and do it again like courteous, sensible festival goers should!

The “Woo Girl/Guy”

Woo

What’s a festival (or concert) without that signature guy or gal wailing their call of the wild expression, “Woo….Woooo….Wah, wah, Woooo!” Here is a questions for you; “What the hell are you “Wooing” about?” Here is another question; “Why the hell are you screaming in my ear?” Your highly annoying antics take me back to the days of insecure early adulthood. Please save your “Wooing” for your Animal House keg-stand parties or at least keep a distance of 2 or more feet before you belch out your war cry.

The “Know-It-All”

Know

Can you even recall a time in your life when you said; “I absolutely LOVE people who know EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING.” Yep, that’s what I thought. For those of you who have that inner desire to tell anyone within a 100 ft. radius how much you know about beer, let me give you some advice. Don’t. Most attendees don’t want to hear anything more than “Wow, that’s a well-made beer! or “That’s not my cup of tea (beer).” Leave the details out until you go home and find your clique of beer neophytes to impress. Otherwise, just drink the damn thing, shut up, and move on!

The “Me, Me, Me’er” (Disclaimer: This is Dr. B’s least favorite person.)

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It’s all about me! I am the only one in the universe that exists and therefore, I can jump line, bump into people without apology, scream bloody hell, and offer insults of all kinds without consequences. Let me tell you one thing you self-consumed, pompous ass…. This is not the festival for you! The GABF is for good-natured beer-lovers, so take your ugliness elsewhere. You will not be the most well liked person in the convention hall and if you aren’t nice, you may be asked to go Snipe hunting, thrown in a burlap sack, and left in a field for only the cows to care.

The “Creepy Costume Guy”

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This guy usually wears a cow costume with rubber udders and wants you to touch the udders that are at the same height as his genitals.

Ew.

(DON’T DO IT!!! It just makes him bother other people to do it again.)

The “Super White, American, Wasted, Woman Wearing An Extremely Lowcut Dirndl”

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A dirndl is an “outfit that consist of a tight fitting Bavarian dress with an apron tied around it. The Dirndl blouses are normally white with the cut depending on how much cleavage you want to show.” These women are cute and fun until they are trashed…then they are half-naked, drunken messes that refuse to get in a cab.

The “Over The Top Hop Heads”

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You run around the festival, pushing people out of the way on Saturday morning, trying to get the hoppiest beers with the rarest hops and highest ABVs. Chill out! Anyone that likes hops is here for the same reason and the beer is plentiful.

The “Overly Drunk Guy/Gal”

drunk

This lovely festival goer knows how to have a good time. He/she will drink too much, scream and yell versus talking, tell everyone how much she/he loves them, grope his/her friends awkwardly and inappropriately, and will definitely refuse to take a cab home at the end of the night. He/she will be determined to walk home and will probably get picked up for drunk and disorderly conduct. AVOID THIS PERSON AT ALL COSTS! If this person is your partner or best friend, make plans to get him/her out early that night and feed him/her well before the festival. Good luck!

The “Complainer/Beer Hater”

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This guy/gal hates beer, your beer, the best beer, the worst beer, and will never be satisfied no matter how hard you try. Do not try to please this person, just walk around the festival and make sure you get what you like!

References:

 

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